saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
