I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You made out with two different species that night
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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