my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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