someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
