It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
