Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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