We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
