thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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