I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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