He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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