I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
