thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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