Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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