there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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