I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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