these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
