My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
