hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
