The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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