you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
