Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
