I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
