I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
