The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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