This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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