please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
