your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
