The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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