My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize