Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
