I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
