omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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