Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I need water and some morals
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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