So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
