i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
