I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are my feet made of real feet?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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