i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
