Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
