I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize