birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Even my vagina gasped.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
