I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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