there's paper in my vomit.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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