I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
