he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
