drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
