if you like me you must not know who I am
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
