note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
