Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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