I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
