Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
