i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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