the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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