You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
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Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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