Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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