I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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