Porn is love you can see.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.