Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
